Are you a virgin?
I don’t want it anymore. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth the pain. I’m so fucking overwhelmed. No one, especially a ‘friend’ should have you feeling like you’re worthless. I cut again. It felt so amazing. It was like ecstasy. Almost orgasmic. I love to watch myself bleed. It’s such a beautiful shade of red. So bright and vibrant. Then it dries and turns black and brown. I think that’s what’s my heart did. It was a lush red, filled with life. Now it’s dried out, blackened, dead. I’m just dead.
I’m empty. I feel empty. I feel alone in a room full of people. I have no one. I hate this empty feeling.
Just stop it dont console me it means nothing you’re kindnesses mean nothing especially when they’re so infrequent and far between you dont care you can’t care it’s not possible dont act like you care if I’m hurt when you’re the reason for my pain but wait maybe you do care but not out of love we both know you’re incapable of such emotions and we both know I’m just far less convenient for you when I’m unhappy who wants a slave who won’t smile when it’s asked yes that’s what I am a slave a slave to the love you don’t give me a slave to the hopes and dreams the stupidity in my head one day someone might love me ever fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m so fucking stupid there is no love people don’t love people need. They sit there and need so much they choose a person to fulfill those needs and they fulfill theirs in return there’s no love there’s obligation my family’s obligated to care if I die but you’re not. No you’re not but you would because its inconvenient to lose a slave or a pet or you’re favorite pair of shoes because that’s all I am and I know that now I think I always did truth be told I need a dick to be of any significance to you you selfish heartless tramp slut bitch you golddigging manipulative violent crazy whore you hypocritical fuck ass cunt I hate you with most of my heart and with the rest of it i love you. My weaknesses are many but you know this you never hesitate to remind of every single one your vindictiveness drains me I can’t breathe without angering you I can’t move without releasing the beast without somehow stepping on your enormous pride. Understand we people who hate ourselves are incapable of looking down on others how can I look down in you when I know I’m as low as they come how can I have the time or energy to judge you when all that’s spent on judging and hating myself don’t touch me get away from me your presence is poison your face is full of lies and hatred and anger I’m soft I’m weak I’m loyal I’m broken I’m shattered but you still find pleasure in dancing on my pieces you still have the time to step on the pride I don’t even have so know that you’re stepping directly on my heart and my soul which are so vulnerable to outsiders you can practically see them when you look into my eyes like you do when you look to see if you’ve made me cry so you can pass your judgements and feel a little more powerful congratulations you’re just like everyone else no you’re far worse I told you that you were like my sister how dare I ever compare you to someone who loves me I feel so guilty for having ever put my dear sister next to someone like you who thrives off of the pain of others no no no who thrives off of my pain alone. I think I’m ready to die now. There’s not much left for me. I give up. I really do. The hurt becomes too much after awhile you know? I miss them the shiny sharp edges that brought me so much peace. I dream of it daily the sweet release of just pressing down and dragging across deep and long and beautiful the hot red trickles down but no I want it to pour to gush to drain my body of all this grief and pain to end my suffering. Would be such a lovely way to die don’t you think?
Never thought I’d miss home so much.
It was foolish of me to believe that I could ever be loved. I should have known better than that.